The Lighter Side

Post Information
Print & pdf

TS Admin : Life does seem to have its lighter side….or does it? Feel free to add or comment.

laughing-guy-thumb168075.jpg1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they’re OK, you’re it.

5. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

6. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

7. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

8. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

9. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

10. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

11. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

12. Sky’s Law: You can’t fall off the floor.

13. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

14. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

15. Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.

16. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

17. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

18. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

19. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

20. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

21. He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged.

22. She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

23. You have the right to remain silent….Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

24. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

25. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

26. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

27. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

28. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

29. Diplomacy is saying “nice doggy” until you find a rock.

30. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

31. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

32. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

33. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

34. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

Source

And here are some gems from Fred Allen.

1. A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

2. A gentleman is any man who wouldn’t hit a woman with his hat on.

3. A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

4. An actor’s popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

5. An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

6. An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

7. California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

8. Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

9. Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

10. Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

11. Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

12. Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star.

13. Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

14. I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can’t remember what the third thing is.

15. I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

16. I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.

17. I don’t want to own anything that won’t fit into my coffin.

18. I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

20. I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

21. I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

22. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

23. I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

24. I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy.

25. I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

26. Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

27. It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

28. Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

29. Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They’re afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

30. Television is a device that permits people who haven’t anything to do to watch people who can’t do anything.

31. Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

32. Television is the triumph of machine over people.

33. The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

34. The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.

35. The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

36. The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

37. The last time I saw him he was walking down lover’s lane holding his own hand.

38. The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

39. Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

40. Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

41. We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

42. What’s on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

43. You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.

Source



Comments

Leave a Reply






Anwaar’s articles appear simultaneously here at Truth Spring and at Soul Vibes in The Pakistan Tribune.


US loses its status as economic world power
DAVOS, Switzerland, 2008
.: ARTICLE BLOCKED :.
ON MARCH 2008
Who links to my website?