Bush’s Adios

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Author’s note: The soon to come Bush’s farewell address will be delivered in Texican, his native language. To enjoy the address, you got to have a working knowledge of Texican. The lexicon for Texican is given at the end of this address.

By Anwaar Hussain

cowboy.gifGuys ‘n gals!

Howdy gang,

When I took over the presidency of this great country of ours, hombres used to say about me, “The engine’s runnin’ but ain’t nobody drivin’”. In my eight years on top o’ the world I went on to prove all o’ them damn wrong. Though now I am as welcome as a skunk at a lawn party in most o’ the countries of the world yet if you’ve done it, it ain’t braggin’. I dunno how can one call someone a cowboy without havin’ seen him ride? Now only Iran sometimes reminds me that if one gits to thinkin’ one’s a person o’ some influence, he shud try orderin’ somebody else’s dawg around. A nucular strike is one way to teach the Iranian dawg some tricks though.

Before me the White House was so dry the trees were bribin’ the dogs. No fun’t all. When I became the head honcho o’ this ere country of ours, I told my crew that its time to paint your butts white and run with the antelope. Before me, they were used to boss-men who were jes big hats, no cattle. Me thought it was time they knew this ain’t my first rodeo.

O’ the Dem hopefuls, I have only this to say. Barack seems to be a guy who, dumber than dirt that he is, looks like the dawg’s been keepin’ him under the porch. He’s as full o’ wind as a corn-eatin’ horse. Sometimes, I feel like beatin’ him like a rented mule.

And ’bout Hillary, the less said, the better. She’s been rode hard and put away wet, poor gal. On top o’ that, she’s ugly as a home made soap. What gets my goat is that she thinks the sun come up just to hear her crow. She’s got tongue nuff for 10 rows of teeth, I tell y’all. She shud a been hidden in the basement like a crazy aunt long time back. Hombres the world over still remember her and her husband’s time in this ere white house. They ate supper before they said their grace, they say.

The two will keep runnin’ backerds and forards down the dirt road till they trip over each other. Nuff said.

‘Bout the war in Iraq, I too was a shakin’ and a waverin in the beginnin’ like y’all. But then Dick, Gawd bless his soul, saunters over and says, “Don’t worry ’bout the mule son, just load the wagon.” That’s when I called for guns’n hosses and started a loadin’ and a shootin’. Tuff ole cuss this Dicky of ours, I tell y’all

Now that I am goin’, I feel kinda aggervated. My advice to y’all is that when you’re ridin’ ahead o’ the herd and you think you are ridin’ high and doin’ aw’right, take a look back every now’n then. Jes make sure the herd’s still there. And don’t be all swole up if it ain’t. Jes drink upstream from the herd when you find it missin’.

Also, when the blue norther hits, jes fess up that this is whole nuther thing and say howdy to it as best as you can. And to yoreself, say, “shoot!, dadgummit ole galoot, jes light out”; and then light out; as I am gonna do purty soon. You will feel all wore out and done for but you will live, I tell y’all.

Yo Laden! You are whole nuther thing. You done stopped preachin’ and gone to meddlin’? Why mah country man? But remember, we’ve howdied but we ain’t shook yet.

Now that I aim to git goin’, I feel like a one-legged man at a butt-kickin’ contest. And to y’all that always cussed me, I say only this, “You can always tell a Texan, but you can’t tell him much.”

To the rest o’ y’all, though darn few, lemme admit havin’ learnt a few lessons durin’ my campin’ in this ere white house. Lemme list these for y’all.

In the case o’ Iraq war, I learnt there are 3 kinds o’ people: the ones that learn by readin’, the few who learn by observin’, and the rest o’ them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it’s reelly hot. I am the rest o’ them.

Then there are some more;

1. Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.

2. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

3. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back in.

But above all I learnt, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” I never shut up.

Yassir!

–X-X–

General Pronunciation Rule

‘ing’ is pronounced as in’ e.g. going is pronounced as goin’.

Texican Lexicon

Aggravated

used to describe everything from mild annoyance to dangerous, murderous rage. Usually pronounced “agger-vated.”

Swole up

an alternative to aggravated, but sometimes carries connotations of being obstinate, proud and self-abosorbed, in addition to being aggravated.

Ave

have

Backerds

backwards

Blue norther

storm that comes up as a giant, blue-black cloud of cold freezing air. Rain and wind may accompany the black cloud.

Cuss

curse

Dadgumit

euphamism coined to allow expressive speech without swearing.

Dawg

dog

Dunno

Don’t know

Ere

here

Fess up

admit

Forards

forwards

Gal

girl

Galoot

an old cowboy term meaning “old rascal.” It’s generally meant affably.

Gawd

God

Git

Get. Also a redneck phrase meaning to go ahead and complete a task

Howdy

How do you do?

Jes

just

Kinda

kind of

Like a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest.

Extremely frustrated, or perhaps out of place, or dumb as box of hammers.

Mah

my

Nuff

enough

Nuther

Another

Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope.

stop arguing and do as you’re told

Purty

Pretty

O’

Of

Outa

Out of

Ole

old

Ole cuss

an old rascal (or galoot) who is tough and/or bad-tempered, said affectionately too.

Ridin’ high

Same as doin’ aw’right; probably a reference to the quality of horse you are riding. If you’re poor, you ride a burro (short) or a plug. If you’re wealthy, you might ride a thoroughbred or Tennessee Walker; therefore, you’re ridin’ high.

Shoot!

an expletive (should be used with an exclamation point). A particularly important Texas adjective meaning worthless, no-count, useless, bad.

Shud

should

Tuff

tough

Whole nuther thing

something else entirely

Wore out

fatigued, exhausted; also sometimes used for “worn out” machinery, etc.

We’ve howdied but we ain’t shook yet

We’ve made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced

Yassir

Yes sir

Yoreself

yourself

Copyrights; Anwaar Hussain



Comments

12 Responses to “Bush’s Adios”

  1. Higlander on June 12th, 2008 5:25 pm

    This is so hilarious Anwaar. I am rolling on the floor laughing. Didn’t know you had this side too. You never cease to amaze me.

    Thank you.

  2. Joe Cortina on June 12th, 2008 6:31 pm

    Anwar - it is a shame - but your satire has a lot of truth. 300 millions of people to choose from for leaders. Many good people - brave - wise - traveled - knowledgeable - Godly - AND WE - are unfortunate enough to end up with a RED-NECK ALCOHOLIC RECYCLED - Blaspheming DRUG ADDICT mass murderer Jew-ass kissing treasonous WAR CRIMINAL - as the “CONSCIENCE OF THE NATION”.

    WHAT IS EVEN WORSE - are the witless ‘RINO’ morons who- like lemmings - follow this piece of fecal matter over the cliff. as our country dies before our very eyes.

  3. YAA on June 12th, 2008 7:28 pm

    That was REALLY funny.

    Thank you.

    YAA

  4. joed on June 12th, 2008 8:57 pm

    Well pardners, I’m a’here ta tell ya’ there ain’t nuthin’ funny ’bout the Bush/Cheney gang. they done shot-up ever’thin they could, murdered lots’a folks and they ain’t done yet. When they get’a chance they’ll start killin’ their own folks.

    Anwaar, thanks for another fine article. But, I am not laughing. I may smile some should the day ever dawn that finds the Bush/Cheney gang in the hoosegow along with most of the u s politicans and scotus. Maybe they would get Big Bubba as a cell mate; I would smile then.

  5. Bob Donatelle on June 12th, 2008 10:59 pm

    It would be really funny—if it were not true! :-(

  6. Tom Edgar on June 13th, 2008 6:54 am

    Hi Y’all.

    I figured you for an intellectual & totally serious young fella.

    Now I know you are a totally serious intellectual with a wicked sense of humour.

    Nothing like extracting the urine. Unfortunately, as with all good irony and satire there is always, at least, an element of truth. In G W B’s case it is even more unfortunate that it is more than just an element.

    tomedgar@halenet.com.au

  7. Anwaar on June 13th, 2008 10:17 am

    Thankee much for commentin’ y’all. Here is the latest on the head honcho;

    George Bush: Farewell tour stirs up European apathy

    US president’s whistle-stop European excursion will be his last in office. But no one seems to be paying much attention.

    It’s a bruising schedule: six stopovers and countless leaders in the space of a week. But does anyone really care what George Bush gets up to on his whirlwind farewell tour of Europe?

    Click to read the rest.

  8. Pervaiz on June 13th, 2008 10:38 am

    We are second to none;we have Ranjit Singh.

  9. Pervaiz on June 13th, 2008 11:43 am

    Excellent satire, Anwaar.Keep it up.

  10. Hanna on June 13th, 2008 2:16 pm

    Oooohooooh Anwaar – I cannot stop laughing. My dogs think, I have lost my cotton pickin’ mind. They look seriously worried. I am sitting here in a big empty house and cannot stop laughing - it is so weird, I cannot remember, when I last laughed a real belly laugh.

    Where do you get such talents - you can write anything! And every different change sounds like THAT one is your real change! I am going to not only distribute it widely, but I am going to keep it with a few other writings, which have become important to me, and I take out and read every once and again, among them the poem “Desiderata”.

    Thanks for a great laugh - my day will be better for it!

    Hanna

  11. Jonathan Stephenson on June 15th, 2008 5:29 am

    Yippy suree, jest hopin fer sum westurn justis at the end uh duh day, for ol deade i dick and dubya jr. Hahahahahaha Good writing Anwaar.

    How does this sound Anwaar, since you and Bush are both pilots, lets put you both into F-16s for a duel????? If you agree we can see if Bush is all slush mouth or does he really have a set!

  12. Anwaar on June 15th, 2008 2:59 pm

    I am game. Let’s go for it Jon. He’s a bully. That much I can tell.

    Here’s nuther lil piece o’ Texas wisdom.

    “After eatin’ an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roarin. He kept it up until a hunter came along & shot him…. The moral; when you’re full of bull, keep yore mouth shut.”

    Bushman is so full of it, he needs to keep shut a lil more.

    PS : It is unfair to the large hearted, generous Texans that we brand their whole lot stupid just because this person comes from that great state. I hope our Texan readers will understand the spirit of this satire.

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Anwaar’s articles appear simultaneously here at Truth Spring and at Soul Vibes in The Pakistan Tribune.


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